My How Time Flies...

So I'm thinking maybe it's time for an update. Based on the fact that I haven't written anything since January I'm sure you can imagine there's been quite a lot that's happened. I guess I'll start off by saying I no longer work for that stupid doctor. He decided to "let me go" back in May. He said he felt like there was nothing else he could do to motivate me. He even admitted though that I had been doing better lately, with whatever it was exactly he was having problems with. Mind you, he never even hinted to me that he was having problems with me. We were getting ready to transition to working for Central Utah Clinic at which time he would no longer be in charge of hiring/firing. He clearly didn't like me as a person so he fired me just before the transition. What a jerk face! I must admit it came as quite a shock, but it was probably for the best since I absolutely loathed that job and may not have had the guts to quit when I should have. As if that didn't tick me off enough though, when I was trying to get unemployment to help out while I was looking for a new job, I heard from the unemployment office that he claimed I was a horrible employee. He and our office manager Lindsey (my "friend" whom I went to Paris with) said I rolled my eyes when asked to do something, I didn't help my coworker who were apparently complaining about me, and they said patients were complaining about me. Whatever! Patients loved me! I may not have loved everything I had to do, but I faked it and I faked it well! Dude, talk about slander. I almost started crying on the phone w/ the unemployment lady as she was telling me all this. I told her my side of the story and how I felt under-appreciated. I called back later to let her know I could bring in a copy of my letter of recommendation he had written for me, which totally contradicted anything he told them but she had already deemed my story more credible than his. Loser. Oh well, that's all in the past now and I never have to deal with him or that office again.

Eventually I did get a new job. Just last month my friend Ann, whom had recently come back out to Provo after getting home from her mission, announced she was planning on moving to NM and that I could apply for her job as a security receptionist at this company called ModusLink down in Spanish Fork. So she told her boss, Ben, about me and he really wanted to meet me so I went and interviewed with him and his boss, Sterling. I got the job a couple days later. Let me tell you something, God has everything timed just right. He waited until the very last minute, but it worked out beautifully. I got the job literally days before I was supposed to be kicked out of my apt. I was preparing to move in w/ Sis.Darrington, whom I knew growing up back home. She lived down in Springville, which was about 15-20 minutes from Provo and all my friends. She also had 2 dogs and a cat. Those who know me know I do NOT like pets. I particularly get very uncomfortable around dogs. Heck, I almost started crying when I went down to visit her and the dogs were getting all up in my groove. I was grateful she was willing to let me live there, but it was so not what I wanted to do. Then I got this job and I was able to afford to stay at my apt. Heavenly Father was totally looking out for me and knew exactly what I needed. I even get paid more! So I just work at the front desk and basically check people's badges as they come in, as can be seen in this comic:



I also make ID badges and help with process instructions, incident reports, and other little fun projects that you probably don't know anything about, nor do you really care. I don't blame you, hahaha. While it may not be the most exciting job, it's 10x better than the one I had before. I work with amazing people, which to me is more important than the job itself. My boss Ben has become a really good friend. He's pretty much amazing. That's definitely new. I've also become friends with a couple of the other guys working in security. I also know people in other departments who are really nice. I didn't realize how bad my last job was until I started working here. I used to wake up absolutely dreading having to go to work and now I don't mind so much. Funny how something as bad as being fired can end up being one of the best things to happen to you.

I have a lot of "down time" which comes in handy since I'm studying to take the GRE in November. Hopefully then I'll be able to start some grad school applications and make it there next fall. I don't really remember making the decision on what I wanted to study in grad school, but I found myself drawing up a nice little outline of different schools and looking at Masters/PhD programs in physiology, with a possible emphasis in neuroscience. I don't remember making the decision, but I've apparently decided to go on to grad school so that I can teach at a University of sorts and do my own research. It scares me to death, but it feels more right than anything else I can think of. I would love to go to Ohio State, though their programs of interest for me only offer a PhD; some of which take 4-5 years. My second choice is probably Cinci. They seem to have some good programs and even have a masters in physiology with a teaching option for those wanting to go into teaching. Then there's possibly Wright State, though I confess I don't feel too thrilled about that one. All these though would enable me to go back to Ohio, land of the Awesome. I've also looked at Miami Ohio, Northwestern (haha, yeah right), UNLV (random, I know) and BYU. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled on about my life long enough. I’m surprised some of you are actually still reading this. You must’ve just skipped down to the end. Anyway, in a nutshell, life is pretty good right now. I have a plan I’m working towards and I’m sure it’ll get messed up and changed, but one thing at a time people!

Physiology: Heartache, Faith, and Fear

Have you ever wondered why emotions have such a strong effect on your heart? After all, the heart is just another organ like the stomach or liver, right? No exactly. I’ve been wondering what the deal is with the heart. I mean, why is it the symbol of love and why is there actual physical pain there when you’re stressed, depressed or in all other respects, unhappy? And why at the same time do happy, exciting feelings also cause the heart to do weird things physically? I can’t say I’ve had recent feelings or emotions to trigger these questions, but I’ve experienced the oddities of the heart just like everyone else in times of stress and happiness, so I decided to figure out what the deal is. You look everywhere and you find all sorts of things about heartache and broken hearts. They’re usually talking about the emotional pain more so than the physical pain that can sometimes accompany it. But I find the physiological manifestations of emotions interesting. So, I’ve done some research and here’s what I’ve found.

Time for the nerd part of me to shine… There are actually quite some strong ties between the brain and the heart. Our emotions cause the brain to tell the heart what’s going on and then the heart responds in complex ways. When we’re stressed, anxious, or angry our heart patterns are more irregular and crazy. This is generally not good for the heart, physically or otherwise. The brain then recognizes these patterns as negative… duh. These negative emotions seem to start a chain reaction in the body. First they cause those irregular beats we feel, but they also raise stress hormones, constrict blood vessels, raise blood pressure and weaken the immune system. Of course the first place we notice any physical discomfort to these emotions is the heart. Our brain is basically sending chemical signals, which can weaken heart tissue. There are hormones like cortisol, which are released during times of stress by the adrenal cortex. The adrenal cortex is part of the adrenal gland, which sits on top of the kidneys. The king of these regulations though is the anterior pituitary of the brain. This is where hormones like corticotropin (ACTH) are secreted. ACTH then stimulates the secretion of cortisol by the adrenal cortex. I’m sure that’s more information than you really cared to know. You knew what I was before you started reading this, so none of this “Oh my gosh, she’s a nerd!” stuff. Anyway, back to business. Opposite of that would be those feelings of overwhelming happiness, excitement, the ‘butterflies’ etc. These emotions cause the heart to beat more smoothly.

All this jazz I’ve just rambled on about is associated with something called broken heart syndrome. Like I was saying, it’s an actual, physical heart condition temporarily brought on by stressful situations. Part of the heart even temporarily enlarges. Crazy, huh? Granted, the actual broken heart syndrome is usually reserved for really severe events. But I think the physiology behind still applies, even if the effects aren’t as severe as in the actual condition. I think most of us can vouch that being stressed or unhappy is physically draining. Despite all the information and knowing that there are physiological things happening to you when you’re sad, there is really no way to make it just stop in it’s tracks. At least I haven’t quite figured that one out. It takes time for your body to catch up with your new mindset.

So, I went to the BYU forum once that had an old professor of mine (Dr. Bell) whom I really liked. He talked about the physiology of faith and fear. It was a really awesome forum. I figure it kinda ties in with what I’ve talked about and is pretty interesting so here’s a little about that-

You know how when you get scared you feel your heart start racing and you breath in a lot deeper? Well, there are physiological reasons for that. Again it involved the hypothalamus sending signals all over the place and this causes an increase in blood pressure, blood sugar levels rise, the liver and muscles release sugar to be used as energy to fuel the muscles, blood vessels contract, and the lungs dilate. This helps you get away if there is the fear of physical danger. It’s part of the autonomic nervous system, which means it’s something that happens and you don’t even have to think about it. Your mind and body are that good. Pretty cool stuff I think. When we’re afraid our bodies release the stress hormone cortisol, yet again. This stuff saves our lives though. We would not be able to survive without cortisol. Well, I suppose technically we could just so long as we never get hungry, scared, sick, or stressed in anyway. If you live that kind of life style let me know what the heck you’re doing.

So basically our fear can keep us alive. It causes the release of cortisol to help us cope with our stressors. But fear is not always acute, or in other words a temporary state to escape rational danger. Dr. Bell talked about all of our irrational fears that we constantly carry with us. The fear of failure, responsibility, embarrassment, public speaking, etc. are all irrational fears, which can inhibit our progress in this life. Our fear causes us to sacrifice our potential for the mediocre.

We all have pains, sorrows, and trial in this life. That culminates half the definition of life. The other half though is joy, service, and love. The Lord has given us bodies that can physically feel emotional pain. I think in a way this helps us better understand what we’re going through and then the ability to empathize with others. Our bodies have also been designed to protect us from overwhelming and even dangerous situations. You gotta admit, God knew what he was doing when he designed/created our bodies to help us make it through this mortal life. Our bodies however don't control us. We can choose faith over fear. We can choose to work to dispel stress and heartache rather than living with it as a constant companion. I wonder if we’ll still have an autonomic nervous system and adrenal glands in the next life… Anyway, I figured I’d leave you with a transitional set of quotes. Think about it.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
-- Author Unknown

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.
-- Max Lerner, The Unfinished Country, 1950

I thought when love for you died, I should die. It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.
-- Rupert Brooke

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.
-- T.E. Kalem

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”
- Mary Manin Morrissey

"Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourages; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable."
- Harry Emerson Fosdick

“Live by faith and not by fear.”
- Elder Quentin L. Cook

“As children of our Heavenly Father, we should learn to be happy, to trust in Him, and to not be afraid.”
- President James E. Faust

Paris

So you may or may not know (probably do) that I recently went to Paris. Crazy, huh? It came about when a couple months ago I felt in a bit of a rut and wanted to do something new. I'm done with school (for now) and have just been working. Talk about boring. Anyway, I thought, "Hey, I've always wanted to travel, why not plan a trip?". So I started looking into different places to travel including Paris, Italy, Germany, London, Dublin, etc. I was looking at plane tickets and hotels. I figured I'd probably go in March sometime that way I could have plenty of time to plan, get my ticket, and save more money. Well, when I went to work I told my coworkers Lindsey and Megan that I was planning a trip to Europe somewhere. They seemed to think that was cool and wanted to do it with me. Being 3 of 4 people working at the Dr.'s office though we couldn't all take off work at the same time while we were seeing patients. So, after we decided that Paris was where we wanted to go we decided to do it the last week of October. The Dr. was going to be out of the office that week anyway. It was like the first week of September while we were deciding this. So the first thing we did was buy the Paris Pass, which gave us free range over the metro, buses, and the RER within central Paris. It also gave us access to pretty much every museum and places of interest we wanted to go to. Then we got our passports taken care of, our plane tickets, and the hotel. Needless to say it was a lot of work trying to get everything planned with just 6 weeks to do so. But then the time came and we went.

We left on Oct. 23 (Fri.) and came back Oct. 31 (Sat.). So we spent time in Paris for 6 full days. We didn't get into Paris until the late morning of the 24th. It was a looong flight- about 10 1/2 hours. It was mostly dark during the whole flight there. So we took a taxi to our hotel and then headed out to check out Paris. It was raining, we were tired, and it took forever to find the double decker bus we were looking for. The bus was a waste of money but whatever. Needless to say our first day there wasn't that pleasant. But we did get some cool pics by the Eiffel Tower.

Sunday morning Lindsey and I tried to go to a sacrament meeting. We had directions and the address but it took longer to get there than we planned for. We found the street it was on and could tell it would still be a long walk to get there and we probably missed sacrament anyway so we left. Oh well, you get points for trying, right? Anyway, that day we went and saw Notre Dame, which was totally awesome. We heard the bells too. We went down into the crypts there too and saw old pre-Roman building remains. We went into Notre Dame to see the cathedral. There was actually mass going on too. Weird. It was a beautiful building though. Then we went out to get in line to be able to climb to the top. While we were in line there was this guy wearing a creepy old man mask going around freaking people out. He was an entertainer of some sort. He would just go up to people when they weren't looking at put his arm around them or pop his head right in front of them and get them to freak and scream. He would just go up and down the street doing that. It kept us entertained for a good half hour. But then we got in and climbed over 400 spiral stairs to the top of Notre Dame. Amazing view. We also went to Saint Chapelle. Pretty cool cathedral with amazing stained glass. The upstairs had a whole long wall that was just stained glass. Later that night we also went to the Arc de Triomphe to see it lit up at night. There were a good 300 stairs there. We also saw the tomb of the unknown soldier lit up. Cool stuff.


Notre Dame

The next couple days kinda blend in... At some point we went and saw the Rodin museum where the Thinking Man statue is. The gardens there were absolutely beautiful. I love gardens and landscape stuff. Right after Rodin we went over to Napoleon's tomb. Also cool. His tomb was freaking huge. There were others of his family buried there too. We also went to the Tomb of the Kings. We saw there Marie Antoinette, King Louis XVI and Louis XVII's heart. Yeah, his heart is in this vase thing. But you can't really get anywhere near it. Coming back from the tomb though we had an interesting event occur on the metro. Firstly, apparently that area up north is not a good area and we probably shouldn't have gone. Anyway, on the metro on the way back to our area we witnessed a mugging. There was this young black guy standing next to me on the metro and there was another lady by us. When the metro stopped and the doors opened the guy grabbed this lady's purse and pulled her off the metro. The doors were still open and people were trying to get off and there were these kids crying out for their mom who it looked like had gotten caught in the crossfire so to speak and got pushed off and was on the ground. The one lady wouldn't let go of her purse and was trying to punch him in the face. He just had this weird grin on his face. Then this other dude came around and just put him in a choke hold and pinned him to the ground. The lady went over and kicked him in the face. He somehow got up and tried to run but then got tackled again and pinned to wait for the police to come get him. Then the doors finally closed and we continued on our way. We got off and were by Notre Dame and decided to sit down on the benches and say a little prayer. We had all been a little shaken by that and were just grateful it didn't happen to one of us. As soon as we finished we felt a wave of relief come. We ate our little lunch and got up to continue to where we were going. We hadn't even taken 10 steps when we saw 2 LDS missionaries walk by. We stopped them to say hi and one of them was there on his first day and he was from Salt Lake. Crazy! The other one was from southern France and spoke good English. We just chatted for a couple minutes then went on our way. It's hard to explain how cool that was to see them. I seriously feel that Heavenly Father put them in our way just to reassure us that He was watching out for us and that He would always be there. There's just too much there for me to think that could've just been coincidence.
Anway, on with the trip. We also saw the Conciergerie where Marie Antoinette was imprisoned before she was guillotined. Cool stuff. We also got to go to the Grevin Wax Museum. Pretty awesome stuff. They were pretty life-like figures. We saw Arnold Schwartzenager, Elton John, Michael Jackson (he was creepy...), Jackie Chan, Indian Jones, and Elvis. We also went to Hard Rock Cafe in Paris. Good ole American food and music! One of the waiters there came and chatted with us for a little talking about America and his couple trips there and what not. He called us his American sisters. He was one of the nice Frenchies.



Wednesday we went to the Place de la Concorde, which was just the open square where Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI were guillotined. Pretty cool stuff. They didn't have an actual marker though on where it happend. But we were there. Then we went and saw the Opera Garnier, the grand opera house. That's where the phantom did his original haunting. It was such an amazing building. Garnier, the designer, had some good taste. Chandeliers, marble stairs, golden trimmed balconies, you name it. That afternoon we went to the Louvre. It had crazy organization. We just walked wherever. We saw a bunch of Roman/Greek statues, Renaissance paintings, and what not. We saw the most famous stuff like Venus de Milo, Mona Lisa, and Nike the winged victory statue, which was probably my favorite. I already heard the Mona Lisa would be disappointing and so I was prepared for that. It's like a tiny 8x11 framed picture and I think you couldn't get any closer than like 15 feet and there were a million people all around. It was a pretty exhausting day. Opera Garnier


Winged Victory

So, Thursday we went to the Aquarium. Fish are cool. There wasn't really anything there I hadn't seen before. Still cool, but nothing new. We did some souvenir shopping and then went to the Eiffel Tower later in the afternoon. We got through the long line while listening to Rascal Flatts on Lindsey's phone. All American music. We took the elevator to the very top. It was a long elevator ride. It was going pretty fast and it still took a few minutes to get there. There was a cool view. It's a 360 area and we found the spot with the little American flag to show which direction the US was. On our way back down they had lit up the Eiffel Tower for the night. It was cool. Once we were off and headed back to our hotel they started shooting fireworks of some kind or something. We turn back to look and there are these white lights flashing all around the tower. It looked like white fireworks going off all around it. It was pretty awesome.

Friday was our last full day and we spent it at Versailles. The castle was amazing. There were like a million rooms and long halls with statues on both sides. We saw the Hall of Mirrors, which had chandeliers all down the hall and then mirrors on the one side making it look like twice the amount of gold and chandeliers. It was pretty awesome. Then we went outside, saw the gardens and took a little tram around to see more of the grounds and to visit Marie Antoinette's Estate. Her estate was huge. It had ponds, trees everywhere, pathways going every which way and a little closed up like gazebo which was used to play music there. It was frickin' freazing, but still amazing. I loved it because like I said I like gardens and grounds with trees and ponds and what not.

So Saturday morning we got up early, went to the airport, and flew home. We were all ready to get back to America. Paris was cool and all and it was a great experience, but God Bless America. I was so happy and pround to land in the US and see the flag waving. So there you have it. My Parisian experience.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

As I'm sure you're all aware, I am a huge Ohio State fan. I bleed scarlet for my Buckeyes. If you follow football at all, you're also aware that we ran into a defeat yesterday playing the USC Trojans. Needless to say I was very disappointed. I was very nervous going into the game... maybe not as much as the players themselves, but pretty dang close. But then things were going our way for the longest time. We were ahead by the end of the first quarter, tied by half time, and then were up again for most of the second half up until the last couple minutes. Needless to say, it was a pretty intense game. I'm still so proud of my Buckeyes though. Most people didn't think we even stood a chance against the Trojans based on our loss last season and our only slight win over Navy last week. A victory over the Trojans would have commanded respect for the Buckeyes as well as the Big Ten. Alas, we barely missed the mark. I'd like to think however, that the performance of the game has almost as much baring as the score itself. We made the Trojans work for their points. We proved to them and hopefully to the rest of country that we are a formidable opponent. We lost to a higher ranked team, but we gave them a run for their money. As a true Buckeye, I must say that win or lose, the Buckeyes are still my team. To be a true fan of any team you must support them no matter how they play or what the scores are. Even though we lost based on point score, we won in the fact that we played an excellent game. We had a great defense and offense. Not everything was perfect and not everything went our way, obviously, but we still played an amazing game (even though I was ready to throw up at the end, lol). We are still a force to be reckoned with. And there are still many teams and games to play that will test that. GO BUCKS!

Can You Read My Mind?

So, my last day working at the library a little over a week ago I got to talking with my co-worker, Amber. It was such an interesting conversation (at least for us singles) and thought I'd share.

It seems relatively common to find really awesome girls that are still single, trying to make it here in Provo. I'm not including or excluding myself from this category. I'm just making an observation. Anyway, why aren't these girls getting asked out and what do they do about it? Well, this blog would probably most useful for those single guys out there that may not always have the confidence to ask a girl out because I'm going to let you in on what's going through a girl's mind.

So first thing's first. Why is it that there are so many pretty, funny, smart girls not getting asked out? Well, that kind of goes along with what girls tell themselves when they're not getting asked out because there could be a million and one reasons why they're not actually going out. One I've heard is that guys look at them and think "They're too pretty; they would never go out with me." Or, "She's probably already taken". While that may be true, here's a list of the things girls tell themselves when they find they're not getting asked out very often. How ever sad it may seem, it's true-

1. "It's because I deserve better." While it is very possible the girl deserves an amazing guy, it doesn't really explain why she's not getting asked out at all. She tells herself this in order to make herself feel better.

2. "It's just not my time." We sometimes take a religious perspective here in Provo and feel that maybe it's not our time to get married, which is why we're not even getting asked out. Yeah, that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense especially since we're supposed to be dating a lot to find someone we could marry. Another attempt to comfort ourselves.

3. "The Lord is still preparing him." This is probably one of my favorites. It goes back to the days of Young Womens when our leaders would frequently ask us to make lists of the traits we want in a future husband. Yes guys, we really did do that. So we'll tell ourselves the Lord is still putting the finishing touches on our future spouse because we're already ready and he's not. Yeah, again doesn't really make sense. We women have a lot to work on too but that doesn't stop most of us from getting married, which it shouldn't. Likewise I don't think we're waiting for "that one special guy" to be ready to marry us. Not likely. When we're ready to get married, we'll just find another guy who's also ready.

4. "It's ok; I'm happy being single." You should be happy to be single... but that doesn't mean you should stop hoping for a future with someone. And chances are you haven't actually stopped; you just try and accept your life as it is. You tell yourself single life isn't so bad even though deep down you feel life could be better if you had someone to share it with. It's like in the movie Hitch, "No woman wakes up saying 'I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!'" Basically, we all want it, but admitting it would mean (to us) we don't have everything we want and there's not much we can do about it right now.

Another movie reference I'd like to make pertains to the movie "He's just not that into you". A partly decent film, this movie made reference to what girls tell themselves when they find themselves dumped and single. Girls have been taught from a young age to lie to themselves about guys to make themselves feel better about their situation. Sometimes these supposed lies are actually truths, but for the most part, they're not. I hate to be the one to say it, but it's true.

Guys think that the "pretty" girls are probably getting asked out all the time and that they must have this fabulous self confidence and what not. Well, guess what guys? Not always true! You'll find very often quite the opposite. It's these pretty girls that have a lower (not necessarily a depressing low, but fragile) self esteem. I can't say all pretty girls are waiting to be asked out, but it's not as uncommon as you might think. Bottom line, it's ok to ask the pretty girls out, even if you guys may think she's not interested. If you don't have any reason to think she wouldn't like you other than that she's pretty, how do you know she doesn't really like you? You don't know. Again, I'm not trying to put myself into this category, it was just a fun conversation I had with a friend. I've seen it many times happen to my friends and thought it was worth writing. Anyway. Those are my thoughts for the day. You single guys should really think about it. I just opened the door to a girls mind for you. Use this knowledge wisely. Peace out~

Destined to Seek, Destined to Know

So it's about time I updated everyone as to the situation of my life. First I shall inform you that I am officially done with classes! That's right, next stop: graduation. Graduation is August 13/14 and I will be among those students that have endured so much in our studies of the life sciences. I'm pretty stoked. It hasn't completely sunk in yet though. It kinda feels like when I graduated high school. Like this, "Yay, but I have more to do" kind of feeling. I'm actually growing up though. That leads me to me next set of good news- I got a job! Huzzah! I've been waiting for a few weeks to be officially offered the job, which I have now been given.
I'm going to be an ophthalmic medical assistant! I will work as a tech in a private ophthalmologist clinic basically helping him with diagnostic and treatment-type procedures. Under his direction I'll also write out prescriptions. I also will be rotating with the other techs doing the front desk work, so I'll also help with filing, doing co pays, appointment reminders/scheduling etc. I also have to keep up with studying... so I'm not done yet, lol. I have to do special chapter readings each week to help get me acquainted with everything and to help prepare me for my certification exam, which I will have to take. I believe after I get in about 180 hours I need to take an exam to make me a COA (certified ophthalmic assistant). Fortunately the doctor I will be working for will be my sponser for the test and be paying for it, which is about $300. So, thank goodness for that! So I go in on Monday for training and will continue training this coming week. I'll then be going home for 2 weeks and Dr. Donaldson said I can just come on in as soon as I get back. I still have a job on campus at the library, so I've been given the option to turn them into 2 part time jobs, which is what I'll probably do. I like the library and I think it'll be good for me to make the transition a little smoother. So I'll do that until I officially graduate in August and then I'll be full time with the ophthalmologist. So there's my fabulous news!
I also have moved into a different apartment. And can I just say I have amazing friends? You don't even know. I got several of my bestest friends ever to help me. No complaints and no trouble. They were just there. Brett, Janille, Eric, Scott, and Adam are amazing people and I bet you wish they were your friends too. Don't worry, I still like you too. Anyway. It's still in the same ward, just different apartment. I was just needing a change and this way I have my own room and am living with just one other girl, who is really cool. It's working out pretty well. It's only for the summer though. I'll be figuring out my salary this coming week so that'll give me a good idea of my price range for apartments. I'm hoping it'll pay enough so that I can move in to my own apartment. I've put my name on the list for a place where my friends Brett and Janille live, which would be totally awesome. And if not, it's ok. I know I'll be looked out for one way or the other.
So, yeah. I think that pretty much sums it up! I am a greatly blessed individual and I completely recognize that. Love and hugs to all my friends. Love and hugs to my family too-- can't wait to see everyone in a week!! :)

Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit... people still don't really like me

Do you ever get people telling you that you need to change in order to be well liked? Well I sometimes feel like I have. I've had people tell me if I smiled more maybe people would talk to me more. The most recent I've had was someone telling me I need to get out into the social arena more if I want to get married. This was actually told to me by a counselor in our new bishopric at church. I was just sitting with a few friends after church at the ward "Meet and Greet" that the bishopric likes to have so people can get to know the new members of the ward being a new semester and all. The member of the bishopric, Brother Call, came and sat with us. Now, I don't mean to dis him or anything and I'm not meaning to imply he's incapable of fulfilling his calling or anything like that, he just has a different perspective on dating than I do. Anyway, I had just made mention how I will be unmarried when I graduate this summer and how I want to take advantage of that and move in to my own apartment. Then Bro. Call asked why I was still single- had I just not been getting asked out? I said that definitely was part of it. The he proceeded to tell me I need to get out there more if I'm wanting to get married someday. I said I enjoyed being at the apartment by myself this past Friday night; it gave me some desired peace and quiet and solitude, which I am a greater fan of than most. He said that if I ever feel like staying home, that's when I most need to get out. I should never give up an opportunity to go out and do something to just stay at my apartment alone. Is there something wrong with liking the solitude? I seem to feel attacked sometimes by people when it comes to my enjoyment of being alone. People seem to find me weird for having a greater preference for it than they do. I don't know what to tell you, but that's just who I am. I can be social if I want to be; and when I don't want to be, I'm not. I don't do things I don't want to do. I'm not going to go to an activity that I would find boring or stupid for the sole purpose of being social. That's like lying to myself.

I also mentioned how I wouldn't date someone for the sake of just dating someone. I won't go out with people I don't like. Call me shallow if you will, but I don't care. I also mentioned how I've dated the guys that don't want commitment or that blatantly say they could never marry me (long story and hey, they were learning experiences, ok?). I won't do that anymore. I haven't dated a whole lot, but enough to have been hurt multiple times and to know what I don't want and what I won't settle for. So excuse me for holding the standard that my husband needs to be an active member of the church with an appreciation for the gospel who respects the priesthood. I guess I must take an extreme view when the prophets and apostles have said to set high standards. Like President Packer when he said "We encourage you to set high standards of dating." Or when Elder LeGrand Curtis said in the New Era, "It seems to me that quality young people are searching for other young people of high caliber who dress and act modestly, understand conversation, have high standards of behavior, and are refined yet 'down to earth.'" Note my sarcasm. I have no inclination to date people I could never marry. Been there, done that. What's the point of dating someone you know you could never marry and in whom you're investing time and emotion only to have your heart injured? I digress. I was told I could never find someone to marry if I don't "get out there"; that if I'm looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect I'll still be single when I'm 80 years old. No guy is going to come to my door when I'm home at night and say "Hey, I'm ready to get married." Well, duh. But I don't think going out every night and doing things I don't wanna do is the answer either. I know Bro. Call meant well, but I was feeling pretty defensive.

The way I see it is I'll get married when it's my time. I'm not going out of my way in search of a husband if it's just not my time. But it's not like I'm going to avoid social situations either. If there's an activity I want to go to, I'll go. Being a social guru is not part of my personality. Why pretend to be something I'm not? I figure, the Lord knows my personality, He knows the best way to introduce me to my future husband so why do I need to worry about those details? As long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to things will happen the way they're supposed to. I'm not the type of person who is comfortable going up to someone (guy or girl) I don't know and striking up a conversation with them out of the blue. That's just not how I function. I need people I'm already friends with to introduce me and be a conversationalist with me at first. Then when I'm comfortable with that person, I can just go and talk to them by myself. I figure that's the method by which I'll meet the guy I marry; we'll be friends first... none of this blind date stuff, or we just met in the ward a week ago and they seemed cool so we thought it try it out. Again, not how I work. I could be wrong, but I figure the Lord knows how to work things out so we do I need to change my personality to supposedly "up my chances"? I don't is the way I see it. I know I'm far from perfect and there are a lot of things I need to work on and improve, but I think for the most part I'm happy being me. I like me the way I am and you should too. After all, what's not to like?