Ch-ch-ch-changes

So, I've been contemplating my life a lot lately. I recently applied for graduation and although I'm thrilled beyond words to be finishing school, it's making me actually have to make decisions I didn't think I'd have to make just yet. Firstly, I have to be honest, I don't know if I want to go to grad school at all. I'm tired of being in school. Maybe that's just the senioritis talking, but I really don't want to go back to school again when I'm done. I think the main reason I was saying I had plans to go to grad school was the same reason I used to want to go to Med school or PA school... just to get people off my back. It seems when you first start college people are always asking, "So, what's your major?" and a lot of the time if you don't know yet, you're looked at as being a slacker or having no ambition or something. At least that's how I feel. Once you have a major though, your problems aren't solved. Then people start asking, "What are you gonna do with that?". And if you don't have an answer to that question they think you're like a lost puppy and need to figure out the rest of your life right now. You need to have a permanent job prepared for you when you graduate. So ever since I declared myself a Biology major I've just told people I'm getting more education after I graduate, that way it seems like I have solid goals and am a put-together individual. I didn't want to deal with the disappointment people would have in me for not having my life planned out right away. I didn't want people to think less of me because I hadn't "figured it all out" yet. I typically try not to care what other people think, but I admit I'm pretty sensitive when it comes to questions about my intelligence and/or my potential to succeed in life. So, basically I don't want to go to grad school. There, I said it. Do I know exactly what I'm gonna do when I graduate? No, I don't, but that's what I'm trying to figure out now. Going to grad school wasn't for me... it was for everyone else.

Now that I'm setting aside grad school, I need to figure out where I'm going to be when I graduate. Originally I was going to stay here in UT and work for a little while before heading to SUU where I was wanting to go for grad school. But now that I'm x-ing out grad school I wonder if I really should/need to stay here. Admittedly Utah has grown on me the past 4-5 years. But I've been thinking about what there will be to keep me here when I graduate. Brett and Janille, who are practically my Utah family, will most likely have moved to California by that time. Ann, who is practically my sister, is still on her mission and will be for over another year. Melanie is another friend of mine who is practically family... her parents and siblings have allowed me to be somewhat adopoted in. She will be getting married in March and I don't know where they'll be moving to. Obviously those aren't the only people I care about in Utah. I have tons of friends out here whom I am glad to be around. But I can't help but look at the fact that soon I'll have no more "family" close by in Utah. All my family is back in Ohio. Not to demean my friends or anything, but what's in Utah to keep me here? If I get all BYU-Mormon I'd say I should stay here because I have better chances of getting married. But do I plan my life around chances? Of course I want to get married someday, but who's to say I have to be in Utah for that to happen? It's not a decision I've made just yet, but I am considering both options carefully. If the Lord wants me to stay in Utah I'll stay here without complaint. If he wants me to go back to Ohio I'll go without hesitation. And in the unlikely event he told me to go somewhere else I'd probably go there instead.

The thought of the Lord sending me somewhere else actually raises the next decision I'm inclined to make. Last night as I was thinking about all these different things and what awaits me when I graduate, I thought about going on a mission. Now don't misunderstand. Going on a mission isn't something I'd do just because I wasn't married or there was nothing else to do. It was always something I wanted to do when I was younger. When I turned 21 I prayed and thought about it, but didn't receive an affirmation to go. I felt inclined to finish up school. Well, that day is soon approaching and maybe I'm supposed to go then. Again I'm not saying I will and I'm not saying I won't; it's just another decision I'm trying to make.

There, I finally got it out there. I've really come to the realization that growing up is hard. All these decisions to make that can effect the rest of your life. At least we really only have to make them once. Just because I don't want to go to grad school doesn't mean I don't have hopes or dreams for the future. Just because I don't have all the answers and don't have my future planned out to a "T" doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm doing my best to prepare for the future without knowing all of what it holds. Elder Holland gave a great devotional today about that. Quite inspiring. Here are a couple things he said that I'm keeping in mind-

"Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant, and live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, trust and divine love transform your life today, tomorrow and forever."

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as he does about where you are, and with his help, where you are willing to go."

"We remember that faith is always pointed toward the future — faith always has to do with blessing and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives."

I'm doing my very best, as President Hinckley once counseled. I may not have all the answers I need today, or tomorrow, or even next month, but I am trying. If you haven't grown up yet, you should try it.