Destined to Seek, Destined to Know

So it's about time I updated everyone as to the situation of my life. First I shall inform you that I am officially done with classes! That's right, next stop: graduation. Graduation is August 13/14 and I will be among those students that have endured so much in our studies of the life sciences. I'm pretty stoked. It hasn't completely sunk in yet though. It kinda feels like when I graduated high school. Like this, "Yay, but I have more to do" kind of feeling. I'm actually growing up though. That leads me to me next set of good news- I got a job! Huzzah! I've been waiting for a few weeks to be officially offered the job, which I have now been given.
I'm going to be an ophthalmic medical assistant! I will work as a tech in a private ophthalmologist clinic basically helping him with diagnostic and treatment-type procedures. Under his direction I'll also write out prescriptions. I also will be rotating with the other techs doing the front desk work, so I'll also help with filing, doing co pays, appointment reminders/scheduling etc. I also have to keep up with studying... so I'm not done yet, lol. I have to do special chapter readings each week to help get me acquainted with everything and to help prepare me for my certification exam, which I will have to take. I believe after I get in about 180 hours I need to take an exam to make me a COA (certified ophthalmic assistant). Fortunately the doctor I will be working for will be my sponser for the test and be paying for it, which is about $300. So, thank goodness for that! So I go in on Monday for training and will continue training this coming week. I'll then be going home for 2 weeks and Dr. Donaldson said I can just come on in as soon as I get back. I still have a job on campus at the library, so I've been given the option to turn them into 2 part time jobs, which is what I'll probably do. I like the library and I think it'll be good for me to make the transition a little smoother. So I'll do that until I officially graduate in August and then I'll be full time with the ophthalmologist. So there's my fabulous news!
I also have moved into a different apartment. And can I just say I have amazing friends? You don't even know. I got several of my bestest friends ever to help me. No complaints and no trouble. They were just there. Brett, Janille, Eric, Scott, and Adam are amazing people and I bet you wish they were your friends too. Don't worry, I still like you too. Anyway. It's still in the same ward, just different apartment. I was just needing a change and this way I have my own room and am living with just one other girl, who is really cool. It's working out pretty well. It's only for the summer though. I'll be figuring out my salary this coming week so that'll give me a good idea of my price range for apartments. I'm hoping it'll pay enough so that I can move in to my own apartment. I've put my name on the list for a place where my friends Brett and Janille live, which would be totally awesome. And if not, it's ok. I know I'll be looked out for one way or the other.
So, yeah. I think that pretty much sums it up! I am a greatly blessed individual and I completely recognize that. Love and hugs to all my friends. Love and hugs to my family too-- can't wait to see everyone in a week!! :)

Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit... people still don't really like me

Do you ever get people telling you that you need to change in order to be well liked? Well I sometimes feel like I have. I've had people tell me if I smiled more maybe people would talk to me more. The most recent I've had was someone telling me I need to get out into the social arena more if I want to get married. This was actually told to me by a counselor in our new bishopric at church. I was just sitting with a few friends after church at the ward "Meet and Greet" that the bishopric likes to have so people can get to know the new members of the ward being a new semester and all. The member of the bishopric, Brother Call, came and sat with us. Now, I don't mean to dis him or anything and I'm not meaning to imply he's incapable of fulfilling his calling or anything like that, he just has a different perspective on dating than I do. Anyway, I had just made mention how I will be unmarried when I graduate this summer and how I want to take advantage of that and move in to my own apartment. Then Bro. Call asked why I was still single- had I just not been getting asked out? I said that definitely was part of it. The he proceeded to tell me I need to get out there more if I'm wanting to get married someday. I said I enjoyed being at the apartment by myself this past Friday night; it gave me some desired peace and quiet and solitude, which I am a greater fan of than most. He said that if I ever feel like staying home, that's when I most need to get out. I should never give up an opportunity to go out and do something to just stay at my apartment alone. Is there something wrong with liking the solitude? I seem to feel attacked sometimes by people when it comes to my enjoyment of being alone. People seem to find me weird for having a greater preference for it than they do. I don't know what to tell you, but that's just who I am. I can be social if I want to be; and when I don't want to be, I'm not. I don't do things I don't want to do. I'm not going to go to an activity that I would find boring or stupid for the sole purpose of being social. That's like lying to myself.

I also mentioned how I wouldn't date someone for the sake of just dating someone. I won't go out with people I don't like. Call me shallow if you will, but I don't care. I also mentioned how I've dated the guys that don't want commitment or that blatantly say they could never marry me (long story and hey, they were learning experiences, ok?). I won't do that anymore. I haven't dated a whole lot, but enough to have been hurt multiple times and to know what I don't want and what I won't settle for. So excuse me for holding the standard that my husband needs to be an active member of the church with an appreciation for the gospel who respects the priesthood. I guess I must take an extreme view when the prophets and apostles have said to set high standards. Like President Packer when he said "We encourage you to set high standards of dating." Or when Elder LeGrand Curtis said in the New Era, "It seems to me that quality young people are searching for other young people of high caliber who dress and act modestly, understand conversation, have high standards of behavior, and are refined yet 'down to earth.'" Note my sarcasm. I have no inclination to date people I could never marry. Been there, done that. What's the point of dating someone you know you could never marry and in whom you're investing time and emotion only to have your heart injured? I digress. I was told I could never find someone to marry if I don't "get out there"; that if I'm looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect I'll still be single when I'm 80 years old. No guy is going to come to my door when I'm home at night and say "Hey, I'm ready to get married." Well, duh. But I don't think going out every night and doing things I don't wanna do is the answer either. I know Bro. Call meant well, but I was feeling pretty defensive.

The way I see it is I'll get married when it's my time. I'm not going out of my way in search of a husband if it's just not my time. But it's not like I'm going to avoid social situations either. If there's an activity I want to go to, I'll go. Being a social guru is not part of my personality. Why pretend to be something I'm not? I figure, the Lord knows my personality, He knows the best way to introduce me to my future husband so why do I need to worry about those details? As long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to things will happen the way they're supposed to. I'm not the type of person who is comfortable going up to someone (guy or girl) I don't know and striking up a conversation with them out of the blue. That's just not how I function. I need people I'm already friends with to introduce me and be a conversationalist with me at first. Then when I'm comfortable with that person, I can just go and talk to them by myself. I figure that's the method by which I'll meet the guy I marry; we'll be friends first... none of this blind date stuff, or we just met in the ward a week ago and they seemed cool so we thought it try it out. Again, not how I work. I could be wrong, but I figure the Lord knows how to work things out so we do I need to change my personality to supposedly "up my chances"? I don't is the way I see it. I know I'm far from perfect and there are a lot of things I need to work on and improve, but I think for the most part I'm happy being me. I like me the way I am and you should too. After all, what's not to like?

I have a dream... well, many

Ok, so I think I've had (and remembered) more dreams in the past month or so than in most of my life put together. My roommate Liz seems to think there's deeper meaning to them... I shall recollect some of the weird dreams I've had recently-

1. I had a dream I was dating this guy; I have no idea who he was or how we even knew each other or started dating. But suddenly one day he decided to leave me. He just took off. Shortly after he left, other people started leaving me. Then my Grandpa died; though strangely my Grandma was suddenly around and she passed away over a year ago... That's pretty much all I remember from that one. It seems to indicate that I have abandonment issues. Who knows. It could just have been a really weird dream.

2. First, let me explain I am terrified of Michael Myers. I'm not talking about the comedian who played in Wayne's World. I mean the creepy character from the Halloween movies. He wears a white mask that forms around his face and you can never see his eyes. He has this really creepy walk and always carries a knife held up. Even if I see just 2 minutes of a clip from one of those movies, I get freaked out and will most likely have nightmares. That said, I had a nightmare with him; I had barely mentioned my fear of him to my roommates that night. Anyway, I was in the woods and it was pitch black out. There were areas where the trees were thick and other areas that were more like an open field. I was trying to run away from him and found myself in a part of the woods with trees all around and there was like an alter thing. It was his little alter where there were 6 or 7 candles. All but one of the candles had been lit; they signified his victims. He had to kill enough people to light all the candles so he could be restored to "full power". I was the last one left. One really weird thing though was that he could more easily find you if you brushed your teeth. All dreams have to have something totally out of place, right? That put me in a dilema though, cuz I didn't want to not brush my teeth. I don't remember what ended up happening, but that was one I remembered. I think I also may have been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

3. I had another dream recently where I was at my Grandpa's, though of course it wasn't really my Grandpa's. There were other people with me, one of whom was a girl in my ward that's in my FHE group, but other than that I don't really know her. Anyway, I got in her car so we could leave. We were driving down an extremely long driveway lined with trees on both sides. I suddenly decided I wanted to stay so I asked her to stop and let me out. She wouldn't though. I kept telling her to stop and she wouldn't. Finally she was going to let me out, but instead of just stopping she backed up in order to turn around. I told her just to let me out but she kept backing up. She ended up on a long dock that was on a lake. She kept going backwards and I told her to stop, but it didn't work. She ended up driving the car into the lake. The car started filling up with water very fast. I had to punch through the glass and swim out through the window. Having broken the glass, I ended up with a large cut on my forearm and it was on a ridiculously huge bump. This dream was interpreted as me feeling like I've lost control. Or that I was wearing my heart on my sleeve, of which the results would not be pleasant. I was dating someone at the time of this dream, so that's how that part would make sense. Moving on...

4. I think this is the last dream I remember. It was actually just last night. I was in a hostage type situation. There were lots of different people I didn't know; parents, children/babies, etc. I was with this other girl in my ward and it was seemingly up to us to help everyone escape. It was more like just a large group of people that had been kidnapped rather than a hostage situation. I don't know how we got there, but there were like two large rooms separated by a very long hallway and several of the kidnappers stayed in these wide hallways to keep an eye on us. The girl I was with started praying before our planned escape asking for courage since we knew it wasn't going to be easy. However, it was surprisingly easy. We just piled everyone in a couple cars and drove off. But the bad guys hunted us down. We ended up getting dispersed and I was on my own and ran back to the Villa, where I live. I knew though that I couldn't go back to my apartment because they would be expecting that. So I ran in to the apartment next door and there were a bunch of girls there, all asleep in the living room. I distinctly remember locking the door and frantically asking for help. The blinds were open and as I glanced over I saw one of the guys that was after me. He saw me and burst into the apartment. I realized then that someone in the apartment was a traitor. They had unlocked the door so he could get in. I also vaguely remember there being other times we tried to get away, but there were always people I thought were helping but just ended up betraying us. Like I remember this one guy whom I went out with a couple times who was a good friend of mine was one of them. I haven't even really seen him in about a year and have only heard from him a few times, but he somehow managed to be one of the bad guys in my dream. I remember wondering how that could've happened. Do I have a problem trusting people? I have no idea. Again, it could just be a weird dream.

Well, there you have it. Those are some of my weird dreams. I usually don't remember my dreams, which is why this is so unusual to me. I typically wake up when I'm in a non-REM cycle so I don't remember my dreams. Maybe my sleeping schedule has been a little off lately. Maybe I'll have a really good dream though. :)

A Discovery

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately; about who I am, what I really want out of life, especially when it comes to relationships, and what I am willing and not willing to do to get what I want. I've had a major breaking point in my life. I've done things and gone through things I never thought I would have to deal with. I guess it's all part of growing up.

First of all, I have realized what I want when it comes to my dating life. I thought I knew what I wanted before, and though I was on the right track, I really only had a rough idea of what it was I was looking for. I knew I ultimately wanted to get married in the temple, to have a family and to raise my children in the gospel. And while that's good and all it does omit some of the important details. The other day at church I was sitting with one of my really good guy friends and his fiancee. We were in sacrament meeting and someone came up and asked my friend if he could help pass the sacrament. He could. And more than that he was happy to do so. He has the right attitude and shows respect for the priesthood which he holds. I want that. I want someone who can be ready on call to give blessings. Someone with whom I can have gospel discussions. Someone who wants to go on temple trips with me and ultimately take me there so that he can be with me forever.

The gospel of my Heavenly Father and my Savior is more important to me than anything. That's something else I realized after church yesterday. I always knew the gospel was important to me, but I didn't realize how much it is a part of my life. I had never really consciously told myself that my Savior came first. I need someone who feels the same. You may be familiar with that triangle they would draw in Sunday school or RS/Priesthood. The one where God is in the top point and the husband and wife were the other two points. And I don't think putting the Savior first diminishes your love for your spouse... in fact I think it enhances it. Here's a really cool poem we got in RS sometime last year. I think it's really good-

Believe and Be Satisified

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep, full
relationship with another. But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and
content with being love by Me alone." Giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
To have an intensely personal relationship with me alone.

I love you my Daughter

Until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be
capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be
united with another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of any other desires or
longings. I want you to stop planning and stop wishing. Allow me to bring that person to
you. Just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep listening and learning
the things I tell you.
Just wait, that's all.

Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things others have or what I have given them. Don't look at the things you want. Just keep looking to Me or you will miss
what I have to show you. When you are ready I'll surprise you with a love more
wonderful than you would ever have dreamed of when the one I have for you is ready.
I am working even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are
satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me.

This is "Perfect Love"
Please know that I love you dearly,
Believe and Be Satisfied.

I really like that idea. It really hits home because it touches on one of my greatest weaknesses... patience. Good things come to those who wait. At least so I'm told, lol. I really try and be a good person. I try to remember who I represent and what my ultimate goal is here on the earth. I try to do my scripture study, say my prayers, and attend the temple. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am trying. And I think it's ok for me to want to be with someone who is doing the same. Someone who is willing to work as hard as me (or more!) for the same goal. That's the only way I can be truly happy in this life. I would rather go throughout my life being unmarried than to be with someone who caused me to compromise those things I have a testimony of and know to be true. I don't want to sound prideful, but I think I deserve the best. I've had the good, maybe even the better; but I want the best. I believe God has the best in store for me and I won't settle for anything less than what he wants to give me.

My Bucket List

So, I got this idea from my friend JilliAnne. I thought it would be fun to list some of the things I want to do in my life. These include goals and ambitions as well as things that I think would just be amazing to do. I think making lists like this really show what kind of person you are. What kind of person do you think I am?...

1. Travel! To see the castles of Germany and France, the Louvre, climb the Eiffel Tower, walk down Champs Elysee, visit Versailles, the landscape and greenery of Ireland, the Coliseum in Rome, Sistine chapel... you get the idea.

2. Grow an amazing garden- all colors of roses, purple and white orchids, violets, forget-me-nots, geraniums, tulips. And to have a bench swing or a little white bench. And a beautiful white arch, a brick pathway, and a little fish pond.

3. Be on Jeopardy! Winning would be out of this world too.

4. Host a truly classy black and white "mocktail" party of sorts. An actual elegant party.

5. Read some more of the classics including, but not limited to: Anne of Green Gables, Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, East of Eden (this is next on the list after I read Peter Pan!), Emma, Tale of Two Cities, etc.

6. Make my own dresses- I want to sew dresses that I'll love, that fit wonderfully, and that I can say "I made that!"

7. Learn how to cross-stitch. Not typically one for crafts like that, but I think cross-stitching can make very beautiful pictures.

8. Go rock climbing. I'm scared to do it with people who are really good at it b/c it's pretty intimidating, but I'm determined to do it!

9. Graduate. This is in sight... so close. Just give me that piece of paper that says I know stuff.

10. Cancer research. Put me nerdy love of science to good use. It's a fascinating area of research and it's one of the most valuable areas of research I feel one could go into.

11. Go to a concert of one of my favorite artists- Evanescence, Coldplay, Secondhand Serenade, Goo Goo Dolls...

12. Own a nice, yet modest home.

13. Play another musical instrument- I play piano, but I'd like to try my hand at either acoustic guitar, drums, or violin... something that doesn't require good breathing techniques.

14. Get better and more involoved in photography.

15. Work with wood- I want to build things, like tables or other productive yet beautiful pieces.

16. Write a book- I've always loved writing, and I think I'm pretty good at it. I used to write down all sorts of ideas I had for stories/novels. Uusally fantasy or mystery. I would love to actually do it someday.

17. Improve/develop painting skills- I love love love, landscape art and would love to be able to do it myself.

18. Last, but certainly not least, to find someone who wants to take me to the temple and to raise a family with.

So there you have it. That's what I want to accomplish in my life. Maybe not the most exciting things, but hey, that's me. So, what do you think?

Special Valentine's Day Thoughts

So, on this Valentine's Day holiday I thought I would write a special blog. I shall introduce you to my own thoughts about love while also giving my opinion on the whole dating scene, with special attention to life out here in Provo as a BYU student

Let me ask you this, do you find a difference between the two phrases, "I'm falling in love" and "I'm in love"? It's been my experience that most people do not differentiate between the two. I find this a crucial flaw in one's perception of love. The word 'falling' is an active participle... meaning you are actively falling in love, but also that you have not quite reached the level of actually BEING in love. There is also a difference between love and infatuation. This seems pretty obvious off hand, but I think infatuation is too often mistaken for love. Infatuation is usually short-lived and isn't a deep feeling, though it may feel like it is. It's just a crush. Crushes are something you have on people you don't really know, as in REALLY know. You don't really know someone until you see their flaws and shortcomings, which everbody has. When you have a crush on someone, that individual seems flawless; that may be why you seem to be so attracted to them. I quote Robin Williams in the movie Good Will Hunting: "You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other." Especially her at BYU I think too many people rush into marriage thinking because they're "in love" life will be peaches and cream. For those unfamiliar with the BYU stereotype (which I've seen supported in many instances) the joke is people get engaged after only dating for like a week. I don't get that. I don't think you can honestly say you love someone so quickly. You haven't had enough time to get through the "falling in love" process to reach the ultimate. Marriage is a very sacred, special union between two people. It should not be taken lightly. It's not just "the next step" or something you do because you're having so much fun with this person. Marriage is the new and everlasting covenant. I think that because of all the talk and pressure of dating out here too often do you find people, especially girls, who think of nothing else but finding Mr. Right. They're already planning their wedding. That just indicates another mistake to me... so many girls are wanting a wedding, not a marriage. They don't seem to realize that they'll be with this person for the long haul, through the best of times and the worst of times. They're in love with the idea... not necessarily the man (or woman in the guys' case). This is of course a generalization; I don't mean to say nobody know what they're doing when they get married. That would be unfair.

Now, let me say this is not meant to be a bitter or cynical blog. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. I'm trying to express how I hold love and marriage with the highest regards. It's because I respect marriage and love so much that I'm defending them against those who take them too lightly. I feel it is important to distinguish between our feelings of infatuation and those of true love. To me, being able to say "I love you" means you know that person, their flaws, quirks and special personality traits, their pet peeves, things they absolutely hate, their hobbies, and that person makes you want to be better. They respect you. They make you want to give your all and that by doing so you'll be the happiest you've ever been. Love means you put their happiness before your own, but the two usually coincide anyway. You make each other genuinely happy. Now, realize this is all coming from a girl who hasn't even been close to getting married. This is just my perception.

I think it is also important to recognize that there is no "one person". I now quote Sense and Sensibility, "It is bewitching the idea that one's happiness depends entirely on one person." When you can realize this you won't get so freaked out about "what if I miss him?" and "what if that was my only chance?" Also, we as ladies need to recognize that being single doesn't mean you're an incomplete person. In fact, you have to figure out who you are and become that complete person before you can find happiness with someone else. I hate the line from Jerry Magurie that says "You complete me." Absolutely ridiculous. A marriage is two whole people becoming one, not two halves making a whole.

Anyway, I think I've spoken my peace on the subject. As an end to my thoughts, I'd like to list just a few of my favorite love quotes. Happy Valentine's Day friends and family! Love you all!

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."- Anonymous

"Love is an irresistible desire, to be irresisitibly desired."- Robert Frost

"The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."- Victor Hugo

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."- Dr. Seuss

"Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile."- Anonymous

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." - Roy Croft

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."- Robert Heinlein

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Love is friendship set on fire."- Jeremy Taylor

"Choose your love, love your choice."- Thomas S. Monson

"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion."- Gordon B. Hinckley

Countdown to Graduation!